Separation Anxiety

Separation Anxiety; it is one of those phrases that 20th century psychology ‘gifted’ to modern parents. Knowing about separation anxiety does nothing much for the mum trying to leave her child at a nursery, pre-school or childminder’s home for the first time – except perhaps adding a hefty dollop of guilt to her already full plate.

Everyone's Different

With our first child, her first experience of being settled with another carer away from me was with a childminder when she was six months old. It is generally accepted that separation anxiety kicks in more strongly from about ten months onwards, and so I had been keen to get her settled prior to this stage. She was in good, experienced hands and things went smoothly. At 2 and a half I chose to begin settling her in at pre-school, which seemed an entirely different proposition to placing her with an individual carer. I was in the fortunate position of being able to stay for a few sessions, which in the end eased her worries and my anxiety. For quite a while she spent a chunk of each session bouncing back to me and hanging on to my skirt. She also articulated her objections to my leaving in no uncertain terms. But we did get there, and the argument that ‘Mummy has lots of boring jobs to go and do and you’ll have far more fun here than with me’, seemed to work.

Three years later and I am returning to pre-school, this time with my son. He is only slightly younger than our daughter was when beginning pre-school and I have again been able to stay with him for a handful of sessions. He has been bold in his approach, joining in, hanging out with older children, and looking to me for support only very occasionally. He has connected to the adults, and lets me go out of the door with really no fuss at all. This week saw me leave him for three hours, and thankfully, it went well. As I turned to wave bye-bye, he was already deeply involved in his play, raising his head only to say ‘Unch?’, by which he meant, ‘Is my lunch here at pre-school?’. I laughed along with the staff at the clarity with which his priorities were shining through!

Now I don’t know why my daughter took a while to accept my leaving her at pre-school, and my son has appeared to sail through the settling in period. Every child is unique, and demonstrates their attachments to their parents and carers in sometimes startlingly differing ways. As chair of the committee that runs the pre-school, and as a former professional working in early years, it is true to say that I have probably seen hundreds of children distressed at the moment of being left, only for them to be completely engaged and seemingly content within a very short space of time, usually a handful of minutes. It is hard on mummies in particular (daddies do seem to very often get a different treatment from their children) and an intriguing phenomenon for the staff of groups such as ours.

Tips to Help

If your child is finding it difficult to settle in a new setting, try following some of these tips;

• Practice separation. Leave your child with a caregiver for brief periods and don’t go too far away. This way you can demonstrate to your child that you always come back, and staff can get you back quickly if it really isn’t going well.
• Schedule separations after naps or feedings. Babies in particular are more susceptible to separation anxiety when they’re tired or hungry.
• Develop a “goodbye” ritual. Rituals are reassuring and can be as simple as a special wave through the window or a goodbye kiss. As I mentioned, saying that I was off to do my jobs always seemed to work for me, and I find myself saying the same words to our son, even though he shows no distress!
• Make a good choice of group setting and stick to it that way, you are only asking your child to make this adaptation to their world once, and you giving them the consistency that is so important to young children.
• Leave without fanfare. Tell your child you are leaving and that you will return, then go - don’t stall. If we hang back, it is as if we are saying to our children ‘Yes, you’re right to be worried – this is scary!’
• Try not to give in. Reassure your child that he or she will be just fine—setting limits will help the adjustment to separation. Even if you feel anxious and upset yourself, endeavour to be calm on the outside. By all means let them know that you will be back, and remind them that you always do come back. And then, go. Better to call the setting in 10 minutes than to dither and heighten your child’s emotional state further.

For the majority of British families, the necessity of leaving our children in the care of others has never been so clear cut as it is now; our hope is, that by sharing experiences and handy tips, we aid a smooth transition for your little ones.

This article is a feature from the MUM.com Trusted Bloggers Club.

About the author

Leoarna Mathias

A writer who's beginning to write, claims my twitter bio. My specialist subjects include the parenting 'juggle', the 'help' we get from the policy makers, and what it means to be a mum in the 21st century. Nothing too adventurous then... Proud to lead the Trusted Blogger Club!

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