Opinion

Falling In Love Again - With My Daughter

Monday 24th of June 2013  |  Category: Opinion  |  Written by: Leoarna Mathias

When parents reach a moment of utter exasperation with their kids, what they tend to say is that they love them, but they don’t like them very much. Love is the constant, and the 'not liking' is borne out of not really being able to make sense of how their child is behaving. I really get where such parents are coming from. There are times when I observe my daughter as if I don’t know her at all. I see her through the eyes of strangers. In those moments she is energetic, persistent, demonstrative. She rushes from place to place, powers through activities, requests more and more, sucks the marrow out of life. Whirlwind, hummingbird - and, not very much like her mum. I struggle to see myself in her, and thus, I wonder, in the philosophical sense, how 'she' came from 'me'.

Getting Things Wrong!

In a previous life I ran marriage preparation classes. Now, don’t go thinking I’m some pinnacle of virtuous married behaviour, or that my marriage floats blissfully along on a sea of calm Mum and daughtercommunication, understanding and honest self-analysis. For the purposes of my husband reading this I’ll say 'yes it does', while at the same time letting you know that I’m ordinary, humdrum, and I get things wrong. All the time. And that was the point of the classes really. In them, we looked at the reality of human relationships that are designed to endure, unpicking the skills that might just get us all through. There’s quite a lot of literature in this area, and while I now can’t remember exactly which author came up with it, there’s one idea that has stayed with me from these days in particular. It is the concept of having 'twenty marriages, twenty separations and twenty divorces' within one marriage. In other words, it is more realistic to expect some serious ups and downs in your married life, and to know from the start that there will be times when you genuinely no longer feel 'love' for the person you are married to. And that’s OK - because human nature is such that if you stop, wait, and address the situation honestly, chances are 'love' will be back with you, refreshed and renewed.

In the four and a half years I have been a parent, it has become clear to me that the cyclical nature of love I’ve described above, also describes the relationship I have with my daughter. How I have agonised over my connection to her. I’ve gone to bed far too many times, in the last year in particular, feeling an utter dissatisfaction with the way I’ve handled this or that situation. I’ve genuinely wondered if I am good enough for her, if I love her properly, if I am setting her up for emotional anguish when she develops sufficient self-awareness to realise how darn feisty we are with each other sometimes. I’ve felt exasperated, angry, despairing. At other times, just plain confused as to why she is so driven to do as she does, to be as she is. In short, it’s been hard to love her. There have been days when love felt like too uncomfortable a word in my mouth.

I’m gonna blow my own trumpet here and say that it takes quite a lot of nerve to admit that there are times when I don’t love my daughter. Now you know what I mean by ‘not loving’, you also know that I trust in its return, and that my honesty is a necessary step in getting it back. The being honest causes me to re-evaluate and examine the events that led to that moment of feeling. And, surprise, surprise - it was usually all down to me, and where I was at. She was just busy being 3, or busy being 4. I on the other hand, had agendas pouring out of my ears; too tired, too busy, too stressed, too distracted. Too everything to just give her what she needed at those moments - pure attention.

Love Bombing

Quite recently, Oliver James wrote a book entitled Love Bombing. With his usual erudition and clarity of thought, James examines what goes on when parents have reached an exasperated moment of no return with one or other of their children. He suggests a simple and effective method for bringing about resolution. He calls it love bombing, and what he means by it is the act of giving your child “a very intense, condensed experience of feeling completely loved and completely in control” and the strategies he outlines for doing this are very, very simple. In essence, you just give yourself over, and put your own stuff completely to one side. For the period of time you have given over to it, you do what your child wants to do, eat what they want to eat, play what they want to play. You get the picture. And by so doing your child gets the luxury of having, well, ‘you’.

Now I can’t say that I have followed every word of James’ advice to the letter, but reading his book was one of the things that had me reassessing the ‘pickles’ me and my girl get into. Along with the death of my grandfather, (which I blogged about here) it was instrumental in bringing about in me a shift. A shift that means we now lock horns less, embrace each other more.

So if you, like me, struggle from time to time with your relationship with one or other of your kids, start by giving yourself a break. It’s normal, human, and it doesn’t mean your love for one of them is to be doubted. Rather it is a signal to pay attention to what is going on all around you, to stop, to reassess, even to love-bomb. And to do so, knowing that by sticking at it, you’ll get through - and your love for them will be the stronger for it.

This is the very first post on the Mum Network Trusted Blogger club page - c’mon now, show it a little comment-love!


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