Adjusting Expectations
Tuesday 12th of November 2013 | Category: Opinion | Written by: Michaela FoxI have never liked the term “shy” to describe my daughter’s personality. I remember the first time I heard someone refer to her as shy and the negative inference that accompanied the word. Since then I have been mindful to shield her from the “shy” label. Instead, I prefer to think of her as ‘slow-to-warm’.
At the age of 18 months my daughter experienced intense separation anxiety. At first I thought it would pass but it continued and escalated. She followed me around like a shadow, refusing to unleash her grip on my legs.
Socialising with friends and their children only heightened her anxiety, and mine. I would leave functions not having spoken to a single adult. If I left her side for a minute it caused her great distress. I looked on as the other mums sat sipping cups of tea, chatting amongst themselves; their child playing happily. I envied them. Their children appeared confident and it meant that they were able to have a break.
The playground was also hard. I watched the other kids confidently navigate the playground whilst my daughter cowered between my legs. As a result it required my full active participation. I must have looked like a helicopter parent to onlookers but the truth was I wanted to be sitting on the park bench watching, not plunging down slippery dips, with a very pregnant belly. When I tried to encourage her participation without my involvement, it ended in tears.
At the age of two, my daughter had excellent language skills but she wouldn’t speak to anyone outside the family. I had a 6 month-old baby at this stage and it became easier to not leave the house. I expressed my concerns to the maternal health worker and she gave me some simple, yet effective, advice. She told me to readjust my expectations. I realised that I had been expecting my daughter to behave according to how I did as a child. I was an extrovert and sociable from an early age.
Instead of trying to change my daughter’s behaviour I decided to accept it and to work with her to build her confidence. I wanted her to feel more comfortable in social situations and to get the most out of every experience. And so I adopted a gentle, supportive approach and altered my expectations. My role was to love and extend her, not to change her.
Given she was more comfortable in the home, I decided to stay in more. I arranged play dates at home so that she was in her comfort zone. By the time she started 3 year-old kinder (preschool) she was able to separate more easily from me but she remained an observer. She didn’t engage much with the other children but she was happy. This was a big development.
At the same time I enrolled her in a music class and ballet, and that’s when her confidence began to soar. Through music and dance she began to express her creative side, and she found a confidence that has slowly, but steadily transformed her. Music has awakened a confidence in her that is breathtaking. She beams with happiness and embraces the music with dedication and concentration. It’s role-playing at its most powerful.
At the end of 3 year-old kinder we decided to give her a “bonus” year. She was happy but still unable to join in the group activities, preferring her own company and independent play. She asked me how to make friends. This was a big step in wanting to initiate friendships with others, but it also broke my heart a little that she was missing out. I talked about some strategies and at my next kinder duty I gently coaxed her into playing with others.
And then, something wonderful happened. Recently at kinder pick-up, she rushed through the doors and leapt into my arms, her eyes wide and excited as she proudly announced: “Mama, today I made some friends”. Her eyes were brimming with tears, and so were mine. When I asked how she had found the confidence to join the others, she simply said: “Fairy Dimby came with me and it was easy”. Fairy Dimby is her imaginary friend.
Later I reflected on her transformation, and on the power of imagination. The difference between her at 2 to 4 has been remarkable. She has moved from observer to participator. It also struck me that she had never really been “shy’, but slow to warm. She remains on the quieter side, socially, but she has a calm, quiet confidence that will enable her to embrace life fully, and most importantly, be happy. So what if I missed a few chinwags with my friends? None of that matters now.
* And in case you’re wondering, Fairy Dimby is like a 4th daughter to me; so alive is she in our house that I almost have to remind myself sometimes that she is not real.
